lost time, frustration, and a crabby face: this week’s general disposition
Haha! But no—really!
“When will it stop raining? Why do I have to extend all this effort to learn Chinese? So I can live here longer, in the constant rain, erratic traffic and polluted air, bumping into luxury ads and almost getting run over at every turn? I think I’m getting a blister. Arg!”
Last week’s light-hearted attitude has melted into this week’s grumpy mood–a crabbiness even the cute Chinese girls wandering around with Valentine roses yesterday couldn’t dispel. Bah humbug!
These things happen. If you ever studied abroad, you probably went to a seminar where they showed you a roller coaster chart and told you that is how your enchantment, disorientation, and disenchantment with your new home will flow. I seem to have hit Chinese Acclimatization Wall # 1–in just a week! But it’s probably not even a record. I can’t even claim that title.
I knew I was crabby and overwhelmed after class yesterday, so I decided to walk home a different way, knowing I risked getting lost (again) (in the continued cold rain) but also knowing it would take me off the crowded and fume-y main road. Grumble, grumble, near-miss on an eyeball gouge by an umbrella, woe-is-me, grrr…Woah~what is that?? A Harry Potter high school!
Admittedly I am not a huge HP fan, but this Chinese high school definitely looked a little Hogwarts-esque to my eye. That’s interesting. Look at all those shutters!
Hung up behind slow walkers with giant shopping bags and lethal umbrellas once again, I decided to turn left past the high school campus to avoid getting too disoriented. Soon I noticed that behind the fence to my left was a bunch of bamboo and other greenery–a park? I followed the fence around the corner and wandered in at the gate. I realized I must be in the park behind the former-Jesuit-Cathedral-turned-Meteorological-Society, when I saw this huge cross:
The park itself didn’t bother me. It was nice. I seized the opportunity to wander through the gardens despondently, feeling sorry for myself and indulging my frustration, pondering how much I still hate the phrase “trailing spouse” and feeling uninterested in any more rice or gloppy Chinese food from a cheap stand. (Note: it’s not really all gloppy, but in this moment it all was.) Then I bumped into Emperor Xu and explorer Matteo Ricci. (CORRECTION: He is not Emperor Xu, but Scientist Xu, I realize a few weeks later when they put up some new signage in English. Oops!)
Oh, I still need to read more about Matteo Ricci, I should do that.
The food thing really is a big part of the funk, as well as the trailing spouse thing. The food thing is not really only about gloppiness. It’s also about not knowing what things are some of the time, and definitely about not having a clue where it’s come from or what’s been sprayed on it. This is a big loss of information and connection, after shopping at the damn Seward Co-op for years and years. As much as organics have threats in the U.S., and there is a need there, as anywhere, to be active and vigilant to protect our food supply, we do have a pretty amazing food going on in the Twin Cities. But then at the same time in my spiral of doom, I think, maybe when I worry about the food here, maybe I am just being xenophobic and racist, maybe the food here is just as tainted as a lot of food anywhere else. Maybe the organics here aren’t all just fake labels, etc. etc. . . .
The “trailing spouse” thing irks me because, well, first of all it is just a terrible term, and second of all, it seems so old-school. I know it’s really just a term of the marketing blogosphere, but there is something in me, because of the era I grew up in, watching Growing Pains and Family Ties and celebrating the move of women into the workplace, it is hard for me not to feel judgement in the idea of packing everything up and “following her husband’s job.” I have to be honest about that–it creeps me out, no matter how practical I know this sort of move sometimes is, and even though I’m excited for Seanny. (Have you made this kind of move? Please share your thoughts with me.) I’ve seen enough statistics on “displaced homemakers” and women’s loss of income after divorce, etc. etc. to know that jumping out of the in-country workforce is not an insignificant move.
I scoff at myself, however, when I read the latest HuffPost headline about the death rate of starving children around the world, who don’t have access to food, period. And when I consider that realistically the “workplace” and the global scene are all evolving together. And then I think about my Chinese teacher on Monday saying, after telling us she is “famous for being different” among the faculty: “Don’t be nervous, forget judgement and keep a peaceful heart, be patient, and you will learn Chinese.” I do, honestly, know my time here will be valuable and I will find useful things to do, and it will be exciting and stimulating and I will grow, blah, blah, blah–but that is the sort of thing you lose sight of at Chinese Acclimatization Wall #1. Instead you focus on what is annoying, difficult, and different, what you left behind and how much harder the formerly-simple things are. This probably means it’s time for me to make some art, and maybe break out one of my two big splurges from Monday and chill out a little!
Sean and I did redeem Valentine’s evening. We’d made no reservations, so we couldn’t go out, but we enjoyed gloom week splurge #3 (pizza). The take-out lady busted Sean for not giving me flowers like all the other girls were walking around with, and we found–randomly–some ginger beer on sale (aka about to expire), brought them home and improved my spirits with downloaded TV shows that start with P–Parenthood and Portlandia. (America–you are funny!!!)
I’m still wondering whether this post (half of which disappeared into cyberspace last night, I might add) will end up being an Eeyore post or a Pooh Bear post–where will it go?
Today, of course, up bright and early to get to school on time. I put on my big pink wolf earrings to help me persevere. But I was still pretty much a whiny baby.
It’s so hard. It’s going to require so much work. It’s hard to sit in class for three hours, saying “ooh” “wah” “uuu” “aaa” and acting as if I can hear the difference between the tones. I amuse myself by noting that my first teacher loves reindeer sweaters, and today’s reindeer were sparkly. My second teacher loves tiger prints. If all else fails, maybe I can adopt the mantra SPARKLING REINDEER or TIGER SWEATER to help me through my time here.
Class today was followed up by being disoriented in Jing’an AGAIN. I got on the subway and realized I didn’t have the actual address I needed. Just a link that I couldn’t link to because I don’t have internet access when about town right now. I was pretty sure the street of place for which I was looking (a healthy food place–see I am making an effort to deal with this mood!) started with X. Okay, starting-with-X is not a useful clue here. I decided just to wander and see if I found anything.
Back in our neighborhood a couple hours later, I attempted to buy a power strip, some kleenex, and something to make our bathroom smell less weird, at the local Easy Enjoy. It was neither Easy nor Enjoy. I created a 10-person pile-up at the register because I didn’t understand how to pay with a card. The cashier kept pointing to the PIN pad, which also only speaks Chinese, and insisting I take a free scented plastic rose with my purchase. Which I couldn’t purchase. I didn’t understand any of it. (Hm, shall we return to my whining about learning Chinese?) I left and walked back home to get actual yuan. I returned to Easy Enjoy, re-picked out all my items and was successfu!. None of these mis-steps are devastating but all of them are annoying. They offend my sense of efficiency! Even though I have very little reason to be efficient for at this point in the journey!!
The possible pot of gold at the end of my gloombow, is this post box I found while lost today. I can finally mail the letters I wrote on Sunday. Be on the lookout, four lucky people! (Don’t worry, I wrote them before this week began!)
Here’s hoping the next time you hear from me I’m as happy as a 20 year old Chinese girl in giant black-framed glasses with no actual lens, enjoying life in the big city. Lastly I have to add, wow, refugees and immigrants around the world, how do you do it??? I salute you. Big time.
more hugs and less whines,
–J
<p><a href=”http://www.juliekesti.com/art” target=”_blank”> SIGN UP FOR ART-BY-MAIL!</a></p>
